A Modest Proposal (re Virgil van Dijk)

It is a melancholy object to me, and other fans of Southampton FC without inside knowledge of the club, this problem we are having with Virgil van Dijk.   Instead of working for his honest livelihood with us, he appears convinced, as are his agent and Liverpool, that we simply must sell him to Liverpool this summer.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this problem is exacerbated by our club’s tendency to conduct its transfer business privately as much as possible.  This has led to the present deplorable state of our club’s transfer window.

I have turned my thoughts for many days to this problem and I have devised a scheme which I believe will answer our purpose.

The club should pick a fine charity.  I personally, living as I do in San Luis Obispo, California, am in no position to pick an appropriate Southampton or English charity—although I do believe picking a Liverpool charity would add an interesting touch to the transaction.   However, if any one cares I would suggest the Freedom From Religion Foundation.  It is a fine group serving a worthy cause.

The club should go to the selected charity and make them an offer:  a binding agreement that if the club transfers van Dijk to Liverpool, the club must pay that charity an immediate 100 million pounds.  Since that payment would be, of course, out of the question, the transfer would be blocked by a binding contract.  This scheme could be fine-tuned as necessary to make it more fit for purpose.  Possibly the contract should cover any sale of van Dijk to Liverpool in the next five years.  Surely, it should prohibit any transfer to Liverpool through another club—in much the same way our deal for Cedric makes it very expensive to sell him back to another club in Portugal.  If we are truly determined to keep him this season, the contract could cover transferring van Dijk to any club this summer--or ever.

But I have too long digressed.  Perhaps we should just eat him.